Questions and Answers

My wife recently did this "meme," and I figured it was a pretty easy way to post something new.

1. Are your parents married or divorced?

Married since 1973. I believe they are madly in love and ready to kill each other at the same time.

2. Are you a vegetarian?

What’s the polar opposite of a vegetarian? Cause that’s me.

3. Do you believe in Heaven?

I’d like to, I really would. I really thought about this one, and in the end, deep down, I don’t believe.

4. Have you ever come close to dying?

Yes.

5. What jewelry do you wear 24/7?

It’s a leather necklace that was two – one is a little thing with bear tracks that my sister got me a long time ago. The other part are alphabet blocks that spell my son’s initials.

I also wear a wedding ring, though not the one I was married with (which is too big, now)

6. Favorite time of day?

I thought about this one and remembered so many points in my life where different parts of the day were my favorite. I used to like sunset, then it was 3 am, then it was whenever work ended.

Now? My favorite time of day is the first time I see my son. If I wake up with him, when I get home from work, whenever I get that smile from him that says “Yay! Poppa’s here!!” That is my favorite time of day.

7. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?

Sure. I prefer florets, but I’ll eat the stems. It’s nice when they’re chopped up with the florets, sautéed with garlic, shallots, and olive oil, maybe a little red pepper flakes.

8. Do you wear makeup?

No.

9. Ever have plastic surgery?

No, but I want to.

10. If you did have plastic surgery, what you do?

I’ll answer this as if it said, “what do you want to do?” And, my answer is, none of your business. But I will say that it’s for the very reason that plastic surgery exists – it makes me so uncomfortable and self-conscious, it’s clearly affected my life in a negative way.

11. What do you wear to bed?

A t-shirt and underpants (boxers). On rare occasions, I will wear pajama bottoms to bed as well, without the underpants.

12. Have you ever done anything illegal?

Yes, all the time. So have you. Some laws are just unnecessary. Some are unjust and require that we disobey them. In the immortal words of Sammy Hagar, “I can’t drive…55!!!”

13. Can you roll your tongue?

Yes, but not that weird wavy thing.

14. Do you tweeze your eyebrows?

In between to avoid the unibrow, that is, when my wife leaves the tweezers in the bathroom. Right now, they are unaccounted for, so my eyebrows are a little out of control.

15. What kind of sneakers?

Do I prefer? Am I wearing? Chuck Taylors are my favorite, though my wife did get me a pair of New Balance that are easier on my back.

16. Do you believe in abortions?

Do I believe in them, or do I believe that every woman should have control over her own body and that this is, in every way, the one place the government should not go? “Safe, legal, and rare” is a phrase that has caught on with which I agree.

17. What is your hair color?

Brown. It used to be platinum when I was a kid, then I could say dirty blonde or whatever. Now? It’s just brown. No grey, yet, though. Maybe a little in the sideburns.

18. Future child’s name?

Alice

19. Do you snore?

Does the pope wear a funny hat?

20. If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?

Under what circumstances? A vacation? In that case, Northern Italy or the South of France.

21. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Yes. His name is Charlie Brown Bear. My wife rescued him from an Eddie Bauer store before our first Christmas together (eight years ago? Jeez…). Charles Schultz had just passed away, and I named him accordingly. He’s really awesome and I am not ashamed to say I sleep with him every night.

Just as an aside, I searched the interweb for a photo to show you and found Charlie’s cousin on eBay. I bought him.

22. If you won the lottery, what would you do first?

See, this question doesn’t ask what I would spend the money on, it asked what I would do first. Let’s imagine a couple of things that could all be reasonable answers:

I would tell my wife if I found out and she wasn’t there.

I would hire an attorney and explore whether or not it was possible to collect a lottery prize anonymously.

I would remove all debt from my life.

I would buy a new car and either a) give my old car to charity, or b) roll it into the East River. Both of these would be satisfying.

In order, trust fund, swiss bank account, pay my parents back for college and all the help they’ve given, buy a home, a Manhattan crash pad, a vacation house in Vermont, a huge diamond ring for my sweetheart, a promise to help put all of my best friends’ children through college, a (if I could find a pre-war) Martin D-45, season tickets to the Mets and Islanders, and a ginormous t.v.

23. Gold or silver?

Of these two, Silver. Of all precious metals? Platinum. Actually, adamantium would be my favorite.

24. Hamburger or hot dog?

Hamburger.

25. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Potatoes.

26. City, beach or country?

City. New York City.

27. What was the last thing you touched?

The enter key on this keyboard.

28. Where did you eat last?

In my living room.

29. When’s the last time you cried?

I don’t know. I’m not saying this because of some machismo bullshit, I just don’t remember. I got teary eyed when my son said Dada and he was clearly referring to me.

30. Do you read blogs?

Rarely.

31. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?

I doubt it. I would make a very, very ugly woman.

32. Ever been involved with the police?

Yes, though never charged, tried or convicted, I have been in custody twice.

33. What’s your favorite shampoo conditioner and soap?

Aveda Shampure.

34. Do you talk in your sleep?

Maybe. I definitely don’t listen to myself in my sleep.

35. Ocean or pool?

Inside in a reading chair.

36. Sauna or whirlpool?

Neither, unless it’s a whirlpool tub in my own bathroom or something.

37. Starbucks or Krispy Kreme.

I’m sure this will be a shock to many, but Starbucks. I love Krispy Kreme, especially the Glazed Crème Filled, but I like Starbucks on a regular basis. And, as long as I stick with the non-fat sugar free vanilla latte, it’s not so bad for me.

38. Window seat or aisle?

Either, as long as I’m not in the middle. Actually, I prefer this

39. Ever met anyone famous?

Yes, I’ve met people you probably have heard of. All of them were very short.

40. Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?

I do now (see photo)

41. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?

Twirl. Cutting the pasta (or breaking it before you cook it) is just wrong.

42. Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey?

Bob Barker.

43. Basketball or Football?

Football, then Hockey, then Baseball, then Futbol, then everything else on earth, including the polo played in the highest mountains of Pakistan for tribal bragging rights, then the NBA.

44. How long do your showers last?

My wife has already accused me of being a woman in the bathroom, but she exaggerates. On a typical morning, it is 25 minutes from when I enter the bathroom until I leave. This includes the morning poop (probably a good 35% of the time is used on this step), warm up shower, rinse off head and body, shampoo (see above), rinse, conditioner, rinse, brush teeth, rinse, wash face, rinse, shave with this (every other day), rinse, wash body, rinse, shake off water like a bear leaving a stream, bath sheet on the bottom half, towel on the top half around shoulders, dry face, dry hair, comb hair, dry bottom half, powder balls, put on underpants, spray medicine in nostrils, put on deodorant, spray after-shave, put on t-shirt, leave bathroom.

45. Automatic or do you drive a stick?

My “car” has a manual transmission. Occasionally the floorboard comes out so I can help accelerate.

46. Cake or ice cream?

Why choose?

47. Are you self-conscious?

If you ever meet someone who says they aren’t, you’ve met a liar.

48. Have you ever drank so much you threw up?

Never! I don’t remember ever throwing up from drinking.

49. Have you ever given money to a beggar?

Just two weeks ago, I stopped into 7-11 for coffee and someone was standing outside the store asking for money. Now, this was 5:30 am and fucking cold, so I offered to buy him a cup of coffee or some breakfast. He wanted cash, so I told him I’d think about it. He told me he needed the cash to be able to hang out in Dunkin’ Donuts later that day (they can’t kick him out if he’s a paying customer). I went inside and got my coffee and bought him a buttered bagel, then wrapped a dollar bill around it and gave it to him.

50. Have you been in love?

Sure have. Right now today, as a matter of fact.

51. Where do you wish you were?

There’s no place like home.

52. Are you wearing socks?

No, I’m wearing my brand new slippers. My wife calls them “old man slippers” but I don’t care. They’re awesome.

53. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?

No.

54. Can you tango?

No, nor do I want to.

55. Last gift you received?

My wife brought home a cupcake the other day.

56. Last sport you played?

Online Poker.

57. Things you spend a lot of money on?

See #56. No, just kidding. I spend money on rent and bills like everyone else I know. That, and Heineken.

58. Where do you live?

Brooklyn, NY

59. Where were you born?

Long Island, NY

60. Last wedding attended?

Adam & Theresa's. Here. It was wonderful.

62. Favorite position?

Correct.

63. Most hated food(s)?

Coconut.

64. Most hated soda pop.

Caffeine Free Diet Coke. I mean, what’s the point?

65. Can you sing?

I can carry a tune but can never remember the words.

66. Last person you instant messaged?

My wife.

67. Last place you went on holiday?

Vermont for New Year’s Eve. Groton, VT, to be exact.

68. Favorite regular drink?

Water, followed closely by black coffee and Heineken Light.

69. Current Song?

“Chinese Translation” by M. Ward.

70. Tag 3 friends.

I don’t have any blogger friends. If my wife reads this, please tag some friends for me?