Raising a Little Man
There is a crisis among the nation's boys. According to a recent Esquire article, boys are slipping in academics from kindergarten through college. I'm sure I'm not the only one to ask this:
What the heck is going on here?
When I found out that my wife and I were having a boy, I was ecstatic. I was so proud I could hardly contain it - actually, I didn't contain it and cried when Eugenia from Ukraine, the ultrasound tech, told us "da, is boy." Since then, I've tried to be the best Poppa I can be. Sure, Henry is three months old and has yet to be anything but a joy, really, but I still strive to be a father for the modern age while retaining the best parts of what it means, in a classic sense, to be a man.
These last few days have led to much introspection on my part. Our child care plans for the fall fell through and my wife will be a stay-at-home mommy. I'd landed a dream job teaching AP US History in Suffolk County, Long Island, and we were supposed to move out there - but we're staying in Brooklyn.
A little background is in order. My father, Papa Bear, was and is freakin' awesome. My little sister and I had pretty much everything we needed growing up - except a Dad who was around all the time. Like many men of his generation, he provided a wonderful home and created a financial stability for an upper-middle class upbringing. My parents have been married for 33 years and, as far as I know, are still completely in love with each other. He worked very hard. That's just it, though, he was at work a lot.
I wanted to be around for my children a little more than Papa Bear was. I don't mean to say that he was an absentee father - he made every Little League game, we played golf together, we did stuff around the house. I'm sure most people would consider him to be a perfect example of a great father. I decided at a very young age on a career that would enable my family to have financial stability (and a nice retirement for me) and be home a little more. I would sacrifice some of the niceties of a career in finance or law (nice car, big house, Mexican lawn service) in order to gain more time at home. I would be a teacher.
I'm pretty sure I was the only ten-year-old in my neighborhood to decide on a career for these reasons. I knew I wanted to be a history teacher while my friends were still dreaming of playing for the Mets or being an astronaut. I knew that eventually I could make a nice living - especially on Long Island - and be home for the kids. I also felt very lucky and wanted a career that would be of some benefit for society, however corny that sounds these days.
Fast forward roughly two decades. I was in my fifth year of teaching in New York City (yes, it's hard and worse than you've heard) and sixth year of marriage (also just as tough - I mean, I love you hunny!). We were having a Henry. We were finally financially stable. I put off my goal for PhD and a professorship to have kids - I just didn't want to struggle anymore and a doctoral program was a self-imposed vow of poverty. We had Henry in place for an infant room in the preschool where my ma teaches...only, the district refused to grant the director the extra room. Now it's too late to find a space in the ultra-competitive NYC child care game. Henry's Mommy would stay home come September.
Now I've been thrust into the very role I've resisted my whole life. Sole income, two or three hours in the car every day (a Chevy POS - oh God how I hate that car), and a teacher's salary. I'm struggling with the fact that now I lose out on time with the boy while not being able to provide the income that such a sacrifice would partly justify. On top of that, I read about this new crisis among boys.
First among the trouble is that almost 40% of households with young boys do not have a biological father present. At least that's not the issue here. I love my wife dearly and we've been together for seven years. I guess the hardest parts are behind us (although I'd like my hardest part to be behind my wife a little more, wink wink, nudge nudge). I read, my wife reads more, we're both educated. A boy that sees reading and is read to will probably read himself. That's good. I myself have a healthy contempt for authority, yet know when and where to challenge or defer - a lesson quite valuable for a young ruffian. I can see through any load of bullshit ever thrown my way. In today's America, how can I impart the value of honesty? I'm not religious, in fact I believe organized religion to be the biggest obstacle to human progress. It's clearly rewarded in this nation to lie, cheat and steal your way to the top. How many hundreds of crooked execs are out there for every one Enron CEO convicted? Don't even get me started on the government. While I think the lack of respect for laws in this nation are clear evidence of a society in decay, that's a topic for another day. I can't look to pop culture for any sort of role models - although I can't think of a time when one could. It's up to me to be the man.
But I don't feel like a "grown up." I guess I can be grown up enough for Henry. I'll still giggle at farts and use the word "boobies." As long as there are boobies, everything will be just fine.
posted by Bear @ 12:20 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Heh heh. You said boobies.
This worries me too! I blogged about it when they had an article in Newsweek (http://volubility.blogspot.com/2006/02/snips-and-snails.html). It's disturbing that boys' performance in school has slipped so dramatically and we continue to focus on female students.
It sucks that you're now the sole breadwinner with a long commute and not-so-hot pay, as that will make it more difficult to be ultra-involved as a dad. However, I think your recognition of your importance as "Poppa" and the impact you can have for good in your son's life reveals that you will manage to find a way.
And we're all just playing at being grownups here. My husband challenges Baby E to burping contests. BURPING contests!
We have burping contests and giggle at farts, and boobies too!
As a pair of lesbian mommies, the question of how we raise a responsible, normal, healthy boy, who becomes the kind of man we like and would want our friends to date and eventually marry, is a question that's been very much on our minds since the first ultrasound where we saw that "it's a boy!"
The Esq article pointed to something very interesting -- the idea of men mentoring boys and being there as involved role models.
The book _Raising Boys Without Men_ identified that as a major variable that was different between both single mothers by choice and lesbian mothers, as distinguished from divorced or never married mothers raising their sons without having the Dad in the home.
Both of the first two groups reported making efforts to help their sons develop strong relationships with male mentors and role models, often coaches or scout leaders, sometimes teachers. Their sons also sought out those relationships independently of Mom(s).
By contrast, the sons of the single-mothers-not-by-choice were less likely to have or develop those relationships.
Guess which group also had more behavioral problems and less academic success?
My personal theory du jour is that those of us who took on motherhood knowing that we were going to have to be creative and intentional to cause anything like "fatherhood" to be part of our kids lives, are probably a lot less bitter/negative about fathers and men than women who thought they weren't going to have to be responsible for that too, only it turns out that they are.
Incidently, even though the title is bound to be a turn-off to the male reader, _Raising Boys Without Men_ has a lot of useful data and ideas for *parenting* regardless of the gender of the parents or the children.
I'm sorry you're stuck with such a crappy commute, and not the life that you and Lizzy had envisioned. Hopefully it will evolve so you can spend more time together and with Henry, and soon.
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